This was inspired my a card meditation, but it's not about the cards. It's just me spewing thoughts out.
Ever so often I get this urge, this tugging need to do something. I feel the energy tingling in my palms and it trails out to the fingers. Sometimes it's a desire to add a new tarot deck to my collection (Fey and Magical Forest being the top two on my list right now), it's a desire to add makeup to my kit (Yaby's World of Pearl Paints or the Cream Foundations), it's a desire to make art (should I draw? or dance?). More often than not, it's a combination of all three. Of course, the common thread is in the artistry. Do I want to have the decks because I'm drawn to the artwork? Do I want to be able to have more tools to utilize for my career? Do I actually just want to do art when I don't have a face to work on?
At some point in all of this, I get so overwhelmed. My brain really doesn't know where to focus because I want to do all these things at once. Ultimately, nothing happens because I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to channel my energy in a productive way. Eventually, that tingling in my fingers go away, but I don't necessarily feel any better.
I decided to do a meditation on the 3 of Swords. The card showed up earlier in the month, and again during KG's reading about the future. It's something that I need to work on in order to achieve my 9 of Chalices. There were many difference instances where the 3 of Swords makes sense in my life, but for some reason I saw the many unused sketchbooks and notebooks. Ironically enough, I was anticipating dealing with stuff about my father, but it just came back to the sketchbooks. Something pulled me out of the meditation before I could dive deeper, but it was so unusual that it was about that. What is the 3 of Swords telling me about my art?
I'm having the same problem, and it worries me. Part of what I find myself panicking and feeling depressed about, is the fact that I lost my focus on certain things - like art - and became so scattered that I haven't been able to get it back (for years!).
ReplyDeleteI remember faithfully listening to some tapes/cds for learning Italian, in 2001, after deciding the previous year, that I would like to visit Italy, and maybe live there for a while in the future. I'd just turned 26, and was mostly agoraphobic, but I felt good and optimistic... even though I've improved in certain ways, it kills me that it was nine years ago that I was studying another language (I lost the lessons, when we were redecorating, and they were moved without my knowledge).
I know that it's a waste to mourn what's lost - it's a waste of the time that I have now - but I can't seem to help it, especially because I had a 'big' birthday this year. Sorry to ramble so much - it just scares me that I'm still wasting time, and I'm having such trouble stopping.
The point of that ramble, was that I keep seeing my sketchbooks in my head, and seeing myself in certain months/years, happily sketching, working through The Artist's Way, taking photographs, making plans... I know that I need to start sketching again, however badly, but I've known that for ages, and have yet to make a proper start. I need to get the materials out, and place them where I can't miss them... I spent a bit of time in a large craft store, last October, and it felt so good to be there - it felt like "home" when I was amongst all of the sketch pads, canvases, pens, and paints. :)
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